This story is a product of my own stupidity but a lucky one nonetheless. When I was a kid we used to hang out at the train station and put all sorts of shit on the tracks to see what would happen. Branches, lighters, coins. One day I put a penny on the track, like I had done a hundred times before, and waited for the train. Well when the train hit it, it must have caught the edge or something and it launched the penny like a bullet at my face. I felt the wind from it right past my ear. If it had been only a few inches over, I would have been fucked.
On Tuesday, the 23rd I left work early to take my daughter to the doctor. As I was driving down Route 80 in the pouring, slushy, snowy rain trying to get to the doctor on time my windshield washer decided to explode. I had about 18 miles to go and was in the middle of Paterson, NJ. Not a nice place to be. So in the end I had to drive 8 miles in the emergency lane with my head out the window trying to see. Fuck Me.
I was driving down the highway, when all of a sudden the minivan in front of me lost its front passenger tire. There were sparks shooting everywhere so I quickly changed lanes as the minivan pulled over, but the tire just kept on going. It was really odd driving next to a tire cruising by at 80 miles per hour with no car attached to it. It must have travelled at least a mile before it started rolling to the side of the road, and then it somehow managed to perfectly veer off into the onramp of the next gas station.
I am terrified at the thought of getting a girl pregnant. The very first time I had sex, the girl told me she was on birth control, but I used a condom anyway. And I still got her pregnant.
I was at a bar and caught eyes with a cute girl at the other end of the room. I started the awkward walk over to talk to her, but five seconds before I got there another guy introduced himself and they started talking. I was about a foot away at this point and some asshole knocked into me, spilling my beer all over the girls shirt. I was completely terrified but she had a great sense of humor and laughed it off and told me that I owed her a drink for that. I agreed, got her some napkins, and she ended up ignoring the other guy and talking to me instead. We set up a date the next day, all thanks to the drunk idiot who bumped into me.
I was on my way home from a friends at 2 AM and stopped at a red light in a quiet empty town. There were no cars anywhere in sight so I said what the hell, I'm gonna run this red light. About halfway through, I noticed a car pulling up to the intersection behind me. Just as I was wondering what the chances were that it could be a cop, flashing lights lit up my rear view mirror. Hello points on my license.
I went to the public pool one summer and I was the only person there that didn't know everyone else. So they were having a raffle and I bought a couple of tickets, walked out of there with some kid's remote control hummer. NICE!
Now admittedly, I'm not much to look at. But as a senior in college there's not much to lose. So at the end of the night in a crowded bar, I sent an anonymous drink to the hottest girl in the building. Amidst all the guys hitting on her, she was so intrigued that she convinced the bartender to tell her who sent it. She came over, thanked me personally, and took me home with her. Best drink I ever bought.
I was having a bad day and all I wanted in the world was some Pop Tarts from the vending machine outside my office. I put my money in and the Pop Tarts got stuck. Without even thinking I punched the glass so hard that it shattered right in front of me. I was just standing there with my mouth open, frozen in disbelief. I grabbed the Pop Tarts and ran inside.
I was excited to kick off the summer with a weekend by the beach, but when I got there I noticed the police had closed it off with signs saying that swimming and digging were strictly prohibited. Apparently a recent storm had unearthed loads of unexploded World War II mines that had been buried all this time. I guess I'm lucky they never exploded before.
Right before an important management meeting at work, I realized I really had to piss. On my way to the meeting I ran into a bathroom and up to the urinal. Right before I unbuckled my belt, the door opened and my boss walked up to urinal next to me. He started the uncomfortable urinal small talk which for some reason made it psychologically impossible for me to pee. The break in conversation made it completely obvious that I was standing there in silence, and I had no choice but to pretend like I had finished ahead of him. To make matters worse, he walked with me directly to the meeting, preventing me from going to another bathroom, and I had to sit through the meeting with my legs crossed the entire time.
I live in New York City, and on a dark rainy night I went for a haircut after work. Just as it came time to pay, my husband walked into the salon holding my wallet. I had lost it on the dark rainy streets of New York without even knowing it. A stranger had found it, went to my apartment to return it, got it to my husband just as he was leaving the building, and my husband brought it back to me just a moment before I would have realized it had even been missing. Best of all, cash, credit cards, license...everything was just as I had left it.
I was walking on the sidewalk in the city when I saw a shiny penny on the pavement. Not wanting to waste an opportunity to grab a penny heads-up, I immediately bent over to pick it up. As soon as I did a HUGE icicle dangling on the store awning behind me crashed down onto the sidewalk where I had just been standing.